Capturing Sharon Olds' Poem

I Go Back to May 1937


I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges
I see my father strolling out under an ochre sandstone arch,
the red tiles glinting like bent plates of blood behind his head,
I see my mother with a few light books at her hip,
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the wrought-iron gate still open behind her,
its sword-tips black in the May air,
They are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, 
all they know is they are innocent, they would never hurt anybody.


I want to go up to them and say : Stop, don't do it--
she's the wrong woman, he's the wrong man,
you are going to do things you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die.


I want to go up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don't do it.


I want to live.
I take them up like the male and female paper dolls and bang them together at the hips,
like chips of flint, as if to strike sparks from them, I say. . . . 


I say. . .  do what you are going to do,
and I will tell about it.

                                                                                    Sharon Olds,

unknown date

Shitty coffee is drinkable when you're around

I will never say ‘I love you’, because I don’t know what love is;

Because the word is overestimated, overrated, overly discussed;

Because people feel the fake relief when they say it;

Because people expect too much, more than they should when they hear it;

Because there exist sometimes a wrong turn, people highlighted the word rather than the meaning;

Because it has too much sweetener;

Because careless people make it sounds cheap;

Because I hate to talk about things that I don’t know well;

Because I have learnt my lesson that sometimes a word can lie, especially the pretty ones;

Because I can not carry the burden of it;

Because I can not promise you anything out of it;

Because I am corny and stupid but still try to somehow figure things out.

I said ‘I like you’, because I know exactly what it means;

Because you make my heart skips a beat when I see you;

Because you make my palms sweat when you look at me;

Because you make me hardly breathing when you told me to stay still for you to draw my  face;

Because you make my cheeks turn red when you say my name;

Because you’re the first thing in my mind when I wake up;

Because you’re the last thing I think about before my sleep;

Because you make even a shitty coffee drinkable when you're around;

Because I was excited when your account pop up in my twitter timeline;

Because I could wake up all night have a chat with you;

Because I always want to touch your hand when it’s within my reach;

Because I always want to kiss you when you tightly hold my hand;

Because when we kissed I feel like I couldn’t stop;

Because I enjoy so much when you listen to me talking, whether important or gibberish;

Because I got nervous when my cell phone beeps and I read your name on it;

Because I want to close my eyes and feel the air when you sing;

Because deep inside I always want to sing along when you play your guitar;

Because I feel a funny thrill in my body when you said you like me;

Because I don’t care what people say about us;

Because I write these lines and shamelessly update it on my blog for you to see;

Because I don’t believe in relationship but still want to feel warmth in my heart.

Now I say ‘I miss you’, because I do like you and I do miss you;

Because last time we had coffee together I was afraid to hold your hand;

Because last time I saw you I was afraid to look at you;

Because a sight of you makes me want to look down at my shoes, then hide myself;

Because hear your voice from a distance make me want to run and hold you;

Because I was afraid to look at you and again realize how far we are;

Because I was afraid that you look at my face and see how I feel;

Because you are still first thing in the morning and the last at night;

Because I’m online, look at your facebook page and feel sad;

Because I can still remember things you said that you don’t say anymore;

Because I’m staring at my cell phone and hope your name will show up again;

Because I want to text you, send you messages, tweet you, but I am so afraid of your reaction : what will you text back and how do you feel about my actions;

Because I want to say it out loud but I can not take rejection;

Because I have to delete all of our messages, it hurts too much;

Because I deleted your messages and now trying not to regret it;

Because I listen to Adele and feel my throat choked;

Because when I hear a song that reminded me of you (or us) I feel a slight of pain;

Because I’m wondering, now who you sing for, who you think about, who you text;

Because I’m dying to know what you think of when it’s not me;

Because when I see your name in my timeline, I want to do something about it but then end up doing nothing;

Because I haven’t seen the sparkle in your eyes for a long time;

Because I don’t mind people look down on me when they know I’m broken hearted;

Because for me it’s still you, but I don’t know what I am to you;
Because I am comfortable with loneliness but I can't stand unanswered questions;

Because I am wondering what actually happened.

They said : You’ll never know until you try. Yes, I’ve tried. Now I know and I have to face the consequences of taking the experience.

And now I know I’m screwed because every single word I wrote is true.

Love is rubbish, but I miss you.

Thrown. Why?

Why do we thrown to this world, just like that, without being asked before? What’s all this? And talking about free will, why are we in sin if we commit suicide? So, free will is about anything BUT ending this miserable journey of life?

I don’t have the courage and enough faith to be an atheist, but I do understand why people choose that kind of way. I feel awful when I think about these things, because I’m raised as a full time catholic. I feel awful when I’m questioning about eternal life, and a sweet promise of ultimate happiness. When does my soul have time to get rest? Like, to just disappear? I’m tired of living.

I am normal. I am an ordinary girl living my ordinary life. I’m physically and mentally healthy. This is so bad what I have in mind right now if I think about another human being who’s happen to be ‘not normal’ in any way. Yes, I have a label for myself right now: I’m being ungrateful.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a great family, normal life, study at one of the best university in the country, I have experienced what people called love, friendship, everything; everything that a girl may ask for. I really want to appreciate what I’ve got, but can I ask this one thing, one thing at all? Can you please give all this blessing for any other soul but me? Can I ask not to be born? I’m not strong enough for this world.

Since I was little, I always think the dark side of every problem. I always so deep into my mind that now I almost lost it. I was stressed when it comes to every important exam, I’m so easy to get upset about anything, hard to please, etc, etc, etc. Now, I’m on the edge. (When do I think that I’m NOT in the edge of the world? Geez.) Anyway, I’m doing my thesis recently. And by recently I mean this last two years. See? I’m an undergraduate student in literature who’s doing thesis for two years. Apparently, this number is not just a number.

My parents and I are frustrated. This graduation thing drives us Crazy with a big C. And if simply a usual matter like bachelor degree can give me this anxiety attack, how on earth can I knock the world’s burden on me? How can I survive this life? Should I live long?

I have tried this far, I don't wanna fail halfway.

This is a hard and painful month.

First, because I was tried to make it smooth and painless but someone won't go along that way.

Second, I am simply in pain. For the words addressed to me, for the anger and hate toward me, for those attitude, for a best-friend that I lost.

I was tried, and still trying until this second. What am I trying (or have tried)? I tried not to explode. I tried not to shout those harsh words, although I'm not a sweet-modest-kind-of-lady. It's super easy for me to throw the foul words, but I choose not to, for some reason that I think may be better. I tried to manage my anger, my pain, find a distraction to boost my mood. I tried to cheer-up myself when the attack is coming, I tried to get super busy to overcome the heartache.

But the verbal abuse is still coming, torturing me unnecessarily, breaking me inside and out. 

I have lost both my lover and best-friend, I tried so hard not to hate him. So hard. I move around to search another perspective, I tried to understand. I shut my fuckin mouth so I don't pour a gasoline on a huge fire.

Stop calling me coward and liar : everyone has a secret, don't act like you don't know it. 

Don't you have any? And with not revealing that secret to a particular person, esp when the secret is about your private life, is it making you a coward? and a liar? We all have reason. Reasons. I know that you know me well, so you know exactly the word that gonna burn me. Liar it is. Congrats. (and until today? come on..)

*inhale..exhale..

P.S : 1. I tried to explain : failed 

2. I tried not to hate you, please, please I beg you, don't make that effort failed too.

3. I know I made mistakes, but I definitely don't deserve a punishment like this. You know it.

*this city is so cold tonight. just a perfect fucking ambiance.

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Now that we are over as a loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive


Only when we want is not a compromise
I'll be pouring tears into your drying eyes


Friends, lovers, or nothing
there can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between
so give it up


You whisper "come on over" cause you two drinks in
But in the morning I will say goodbye again


Think we'll never fall into the jealous game
The streets will flood with blood of those who felt the same


Friends, lovers, or nothing
we can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between so give it up


No, we'll never be the in between
so give it up


Anything other than "yes" is "no"
Anything other than "stay" is ""go"
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Friends, Lovers, or nothing - John Mayer

invisible stranger's slap - I mean the slap that is invisible, not the stranger.

Have you ever been slapped? me? nope. I hope never will.

But thanks God, I have experienced that words can definitely slap people super harder than a hand can do. *yeah, I said I haven't been slapped to even capable to compare them, but let us talk about it later maybe never*

All I wanna say is that just now I'm slapped! And yet feel good about it!

Yahh..I know, stop it. The word good has its ineffective side (I wanna say bad side, but that only make this a linguistic post), good is too relative. Good for you doesn't mean good for me, and it depends on so many things that philosopher and psychoanalyst have been discussed for centuries.

I feel good, first because i can breathe this air when I breathe those words in. In short, I feel good because I have a chance. This chance, tonight. This is a legit proof that I can embrace hope.

Second, God is freaking thoughtful. Yes, I believe in God, even still believe in certain religion to worship Him/It/simply God. (It doesn't mean I can't be friend with you, right my atheist and agnostics friend?). I realize how long have I been left those ritual of peaceful mind, the old ancient devotion. I devoted myself lately to any other things related to mind, body, and soul, but not that old ancient one. *I have to get back to it soon. Maybe I don't have to, but I need to.

Third, I feel good because I am freaking YOUNG! Yes, I might have wasted sometime in my past 21 years, but I AM young and I have those days ahead! *Dear God, just saw Pink said on twitter that you are really a cool person, so please, let me have my appropriate age to fix the broken and chase the far? I'm serious, God, please*

Four, I feel good because I realize that I haven't done much in life. I made a center in my life, dedicated and reach the addicted level, but I have never questioned that Center. Is that the right center that I should cater to, in a longterm aspiration? Or maybe I shut my heart, my mind, my heart, my pants whatever that caused me a temporary addiction (maybe excitement is a better word) which made me also shut the possibility of multi-center? ah, the concept alone is ridiculous, multi-center, poly-center, but what I mean is that : I should have done much more, so much more, and more intense. Damn, I know I can't turn back the time, nor doing magic, so this is a path to the brighter future, whatever future means.

Five, ahh.. F is for fuck never been for five, or four, or fendetta. tsk. tsk. Five friends of mine has faced another level in life (if there's any), and whether we all have different classification about level, stages, whatever, this issue is mostly one of it. Numbers are different, content, um, a little more homogeneous. (whoaa, not in the feel good article, I guess)

Six, I feel good because I can reach this moment through a stranger's words that I don't even have to say thanks in person. *but thanks anyway*

Seven, fight. *slap back, run, kick butt, strangle,* Be strong.

crying, yes. Let go. Murmuring, whining, bitching around, negatively attracting unimportant attention, NO.

P.S : I am deeply sorry for those who I've been hurt. Move aside or turn your body around so you may have another perspective.

Utopia : L O V E

If I say love is an abstract word nearly absurd, will you agree with me? Here I spill the never-ending question goes with the never-ending answers : What is Love?
Don't tell me about speaking cliché before you read this following post.

I have had this anguish for a long time, but I'm pretty happy with this state of life and whatever surrounding me, so I locked this matter deep down. The effing trigger was this one movie, cute except the fact that I hate the ending : "500 Days of Summer" For you who has watched the movie, save your opinion, for those who hasn't maybe you want to check the movie here. But for those who hasn't and too busy to check the site, I'm gonna share the flow of the story below.

image via photobucket

There was a girl name Summer (Zooey Deschanel), freely live her life, one of the no-need-a-relationship girl. For her, as long as she and her close friend were happy, they didn't need any boyfriend-girlfriend label. Too bad she met Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who desperately believe in love and all the label behind it. He believed in soul mate, that people were created  in pairs, and everything happened for a reason, anything's meant to be.

They had a very happy moments together, with Tom agreeing the no-label and being casual thing. There were no single problem arose until Summer started to act weird, and tried to leave Tom. She thought that this was a casual relationship so there will be no such thing called break-up, she can leave anytime she's no longer happy.

Sadly, but obviously, this decision tear Tom apart. He didn't completely realize what a-casual-relationship meant, and fell deeply for Summer. He needs hundreds of days to get back on the ground.

After Summer left, the story continue with Summer and Tom met in colleague's wedding party, then she invited Tom to a party she hosted. Tom came with a bright smile and hope, but later on he found out that summer has engaged. His wold fell through the worst scene he can never imagine. He threw away all his old beliefs about love and its magical things.

Like I said before, what I hate about this movie is the ending, pretty much 10minutes of it. It's not that I don't like Summer and Tom separated, it just Summer's plain abstract explanation about being in love.

This ending was on Tom's favorite spot in the city. Tom asked her about her 180° change, about her doesn't-wanna-be-anybody's-girlfriend attitude now turning into someone's wife. She said she fell in love, Tom was right about soul mate, and everything really is meant to be. She just woke up in the morning suddenly feel so sure about the now-husband-guy. She also said that Tom was right about love, but only he's wrong about her.

I say : Yeah, right. So right, miss Just-wake-up-and-be-sure!

I wish, I really wish there's a story about Summer and her soon-to-be-husband guy. Like what kind of stuff really they did that makes Summer change her not-a-married-woman point of view. Yea, the filmmaker not even brave enough to show Summer's husband's face. I mean, why not?

That was a rather stupid open ending and throw me harshly to my old anguish. What exactly change Summer? Tom is perfect. As a human being, as a boyfriend he's nearly perfect. And as a casual couple they're GREAT. The story so much from Tom's point of view, and don't tell Summer's. So this is me as the audience, can't understand what's that thing that makes Summer felt unsure about this perfect Tom?

I won't write this much if Summer were Kim Catrell, dear Samantha in Sex and the City, unmarried until her 50. Her words for a broke up scene with the 2 years boyfriend was "I love you, but I love me more".
So, what changed Summer and not making her become another Samantha?