Thrown. Why?

Why do we thrown to this world, just like that, without being asked before? What’s all this? And talking about free will, why are we in sin if we commit suicide? So, free will is about anything BUT ending this miserable journey of life?

I don’t have the courage and enough faith to be an atheist, but I do understand why people choose that kind of way. I feel awful when I think about these things, because I’m raised as a full time catholic. I feel awful when I’m questioning about eternal life, and a sweet promise of ultimate happiness. When does my soul have time to get rest? Like, to just disappear? I’m tired of living.

I am normal. I am an ordinary girl living my ordinary life. I’m physically and mentally healthy. This is so bad what I have in mind right now if I think about another human being who’s happen to be ‘not normal’ in any way. Yes, I have a label for myself right now: I’m being ungrateful.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a great family, normal life, study at one of the best university in the country, I have experienced what people called love, friendship, everything; everything that a girl may ask for. I really want to appreciate what I’ve got, but can I ask this one thing, one thing at all? Can you please give all this blessing for any other soul but me? Can I ask not to be born? I’m not strong enough for this world.

Since I was little, I always think the dark side of every problem. I always so deep into my mind that now I almost lost it. I was stressed when it comes to every important exam, I’m so easy to get upset about anything, hard to please, etc, etc, etc. Now, I’m on the edge. (When do I think that I’m NOT in the edge of the world? Geez.) Anyway, I’m doing my thesis recently. And by recently I mean this last two years. See? I’m an undergraduate student in literature who’s doing thesis for two years. Apparently, this number is not just a number.

My parents and I are frustrated. This graduation thing drives us Crazy with a big C. And if simply a usual matter like bachelor degree can give me this anxiety attack, how on earth can I knock the world’s burden on me? How can I survive this life? Should I live long?