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Showing posts with label bizzare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bizzare. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Capturing Sharon Olds' Poem

I Go Back to May 1937


I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges
I see my father strolling out under an ochre sandstone arch,
the red tiles glinting like bent plates of blood behind his head,
I see my mother with a few light books at her hip,
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the wrought-iron gate still open behind her,
its sword-tips black in the May air,
They are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, 
all they know is they are innocent, they would never hurt anybody.


I want to go up to them and say : Stop, don't do it--
she's the wrong woman, he's the wrong man,
you are going to do things you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die.


I want to go up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don't do it.


I want to live.
I take them up like the male and female paper dolls and bang them together at the hips,
like chips of flint, as if to strike sparks from them, I say. . . . 


I say. . .  do what you are going to do,
and I will tell about it.


                                                                                    Sharon Olds,
unknown date

Monday, March 14, 2011

Thrown. Why?

Why do we thrown to this world, just like that, without being asked before? What’s all this? And talking about free will, why are we in sin if we commit suicide? So, free will is about anything BUT ending this miserable journey of life?

I don’t have the courage and enough faith to be an atheist, but I do understand why people choose that kind of way. I feel awful when I think about these things, because I’m raised as a full time catholic. I feel awful when I’m questioning about eternal life, and a sweet promise of ultimate happiness. When does my soul have time to get rest? Like, to just disappear? I’m tired of living.

I am normal. I am an ordinary girl living my ordinary life. I’m physically and mentally healthy. This is so bad what I have in mind right now if I think about another human being who’s happen to be ‘not normal’ in any way. Yes, I have a label for myself right now: I’m being ungrateful.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a great family, normal life, study at one of the best university in the country, I have experienced what people called love, friendship, everything; everything that a girl may ask for. I really want to appreciate what I’ve got, but can I ask this one thing, one thing at all? Can you please give all this blessing for any other soul but me? Can I ask not to be born? I’m not strong enough for this world.

Since I was little, I always think the dark side of every problem. I always so deep into my mind that now I almost lost it. I was stressed when it comes to every important exam, I’m so easy to get upset about anything, hard to please, etc, etc, etc. Now, I’m on the edge. (When do I think that I’m NOT in the edge of the world? Geez.) Anyway, I’m doing my thesis recently. And by recently I mean this last two years. See? I’m an undergraduate student in literature who’s doing thesis for two years. Apparently, this number is not just a number.

My parents and I are frustrated. This graduation thing drives us Crazy with a big C. And if simply a usual matter like bachelor degree can give me this anxiety attack, how on earth can I knock the world’s burden on me? How can I survive this life? Should I live long?


Monday, June 7, 2010

Day One - 1





This is the day one. Day one of a state that I want, or I thought I wanted. I'm fine so far because this is the day one. The 30 days of searching, contemplating, working super hard,  loving myself, and being alone. Alone but not lonely. Or maybe lonely but happy; feel strong and productive, two words that rather hard to follow these time.

I'm trying to find what I look for, and I hope you find yours too.