I have tried this far, I don't wanna fail halfway.

This is a hard and painful month.

First, because I was tried to make it smooth and painless but someone won't go along that way.

Second, I am simply in pain. For the words addressed to me, for the anger and hate toward me, for those attitude, for a best-friend that I lost.

I was tried, and still trying until this second. What am I trying (or have tried)? I tried not to explode. I tried not to shout those harsh words, although I'm not a sweet-modest-kind-of-lady. It's super easy for me to throw the foul words, but I choose not to, for some reason that I think may be better. I tried to manage my anger, my pain, find a distraction to boost my mood. I tried to cheer-up myself when the attack is coming, I tried to get super busy to overcome the heartache.

But the verbal abuse is still coming, torturing me unnecessarily, breaking me inside and out. 

I have lost both my lover and best-friend, I tried so hard not to hate him. So hard. I move around to search another perspective, I tried to understand. I shut my fuckin mouth so I don't pour a gasoline on a huge fire.

Stop calling me coward and liar : everyone has a secret, don't act like you don't know it. 

Don't you have any? And with not revealing that secret to a particular person, esp when the secret is about your private life, is it making you a coward? and a liar? We all have reason. Reasons. I know that you know me well, so you know exactly the word that gonna burn me. Liar it is. Congrats. (and until today? come on..)

*inhale..exhale..

P.S : 1. I tried to explain : failed 

2. I tried not to hate you, please, please I beg you, don't make that effort failed too.

3. I know I made mistakes, but I definitely don't deserve a punishment like this. You know it.

*this city is so cold tonight. just a perfect fucking ambiance.

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Now that we are over as a loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive


Only when we want is not a compromise
I'll be pouring tears into your drying eyes


Friends, lovers, or nothing
there can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between
so give it up


You whisper "come on over" cause you two drinks in
But in the morning I will say goodbye again


Think we'll never fall into the jealous game
The streets will flood with blood of those who felt the same


Friends, lovers, or nothing
we can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between so give it up


No, we'll never be the in between
so give it up


Anything other than "yes" is "no"
Anything other than "stay" is ""go"
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Friends, Lovers, or nothing - John Mayer

invisible stranger's slap - I mean the slap that is invisible, not the stranger.

Have you ever been slapped? me? nope. I hope never will.

But thanks God, I have experienced that words can definitely slap people super harder than a hand can do. *yeah, I said I haven't been slapped to even capable to compare them, but let us talk about it later maybe never*

All I wanna say is that just now I'm slapped! And yet feel good about it!

Yahh..I know, stop it. The word good has its ineffective side (I wanna say bad side, but that only make this a linguistic post), good is too relative. Good for you doesn't mean good for me, and it depends on so many things that philosopher and psychoanalyst have been discussed for centuries.

I feel good, first because i can breathe this air when I breathe those words in. In short, I feel good because I have a chance. This chance, tonight. This is a legit proof that I can embrace hope.

Second, God is freaking thoughtful. Yes, I believe in God, even still believe in certain religion to worship Him/It/simply God. (It doesn't mean I can't be friend with you, right my atheist and agnostics friend?). I realize how long have I been left those ritual of peaceful mind, the old ancient devotion. I devoted myself lately to any other things related to mind, body, and soul, but not that old ancient one. *I have to get back to it soon. Maybe I don't have to, but I need to.

Third, I feel good because I am freaking YOUNG! Yes, I might have wasted sometime in my past 21 years, but I AM young and I have those days ahead! *Dear God, just saw Pink said on twitter that you are really a cool person, so please, let me have my appropriate age to fix the broken and chase the far? I'm serious, God, please*

Four, I feel good because I realize that I haven't done much in life. I made a center in my life, dedicated and reach the addicted level, but I have never questioned that Center. Is that the right center that I should cater to, in a longterm aspiration? Or maybe I shut my heart, my mind, my heart, my pants whatever that caused me a temporary addiction (maybe excitement is a better word) which made me also shut the possibility of multi-center? ah, the concept alone is ridiculous, multi-center, poly-center, but what I mean is that : I should have done much more, so much more, and more intense. Damn, I know I can't turn back the time, nor doing magic, so this is a path to the brighter future, whatever future means.

Five, ahh.. F is for fuck never been for five, or four, or fendetta. tsk. tsk. Five friends of mine has faced another level in life (if there's any), and whether we all have different classification about level, stages, whatever, this issue is mostly one of it. Numbers are different, content, um, a little more homogeneous. (whoaa, not in the feel good article, I guess)

Six, I feel good because I can reach this moment through a stranger's words that I don't even have to say thanks in person. *but thanks anyway*

Seven, fight. *slap back, run, kick butt, strangle,* Be strong.

crying, yes. Let go. Murmuring, whining, bitching around, negatively attracting unimportant attention, NO.

P.S : I am deeply sorry for those who I've been hurt. Move aside or turn your body around so you may have another perspective.