I have tried this far, I don't wanna fail halfway.

This is a hard and painful month.

First, because I was tried to make it smooth and painless but someone won't go along that way.

Second, I am simply in pain. For the words addressed to me, for the anger and hate toward me, for those attitude, for a best-friend that I lost.

I was tried, and still trying until this second. What am I trying (or have tried)? I tried not to explode. I tried not to shout those harsh words, although I'm not a sweet-modest-kind-of-lady. It's super easy for me to throw the foul words, but I choose not to, for some reason that I think may be better. I tried to manage my anger, my pain, find a distraction to boost my mood. I tried to cheer-up myself when the attack is coming, I tried to get super busy to overcome the heartache.

But the verbal abuse is still coming, torturing me unnecessarily, breaking me inside and out. 

I have lost both my lover and best-friend, I tried so hard not to hate him. So hard. I move around to search another perspective, I tried to understand. I shut my fuckin mouth so I don't pour a gasoline on a huge fire.

Stop calling me coward and liar : everyone has a secret, don't act like you don't know it. 

Don't you have any? And with not revealing that secret to a particular person, esp when the secret is about your private life, is it making you a coward? and a liar? We all have reason. Reasons. I know that you know me well, so you know exactly the word that gonna burn me. Liar it is. Congrats. (and until today? come on..)

*inhale..exhale..

P.S : 1. I tried to explain : failed 

2. I tried not to hate you, please, please I beg you, don't make that effort failed too.

3. I know I made mistakes, but I definitely don't deserve a punishment like this. You know it.

*this city is so cold tonight. just a perfect fucking ambiance.

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Now that we are over as a loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive


Only when we want is not a compromise
I'll be pouring tears into your drying eyes


Friends, lovers, or nothing
there can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between
so give it up


You whisper "come on over" cause you two drinks in
But in the morning I will say goodbye again


Think we'll never fall into the jealous game
The streets will flood with blood of those who felt the same


Friends, lovers, or nothing
we can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between so give it up


No, we'll never be the in between
so give it up


Anything other than "yes" is "no"
Anything other than "stay" is ""go"
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Friends, Lovers, or nothing - John Mayer

invisible stranger's slap - I mean the slap that is invisible, not the stranger.

Have you ever been slapped? me? nope. I hope never will.

But thanks God, I have experienced that words can definitely slap people super harder than a hand can do. *yeah, I said I haven't been slapped to even capable to compare them, but let us talk about it later maybe never*

All I wanna say is that just now I'm slapped! And yet feel good about it!

Yahh..I know, stop it. The word good has its ineffective side (I wanna say bad side, but that only make this a linguistic post), good is too relative. Good for you doesn't mean good for me, and it depends on so many things that philosopher and psychoanalyst have been discussed for centuries.

I feel good, first because i can breathe this air when I breathe those words in. In short, I feel good because I have a chance. This chance, tonight. This is a legit proof that I can embrace hope.

Second, God is freaking thoughtful. Yes, I believe in God, even still believe in certain religion to worship Him/It/simply God. (It doesn't mean I can't be friend with you, right my atheist and agnostics friend?). I realize how long have I been left those ritual of peaceful mind, the old ancient devotion. I devoted myself lately to any other things related to mind, body, and soul, but not that old ancient one. *I have to get back to it soon. Maybe I don't have to, but I need to.

Third, I feel good because I am freaking YOUNG! Yes, I might have wasted sometime in my past 21 years, but I AM young and I have those days ahead! *Dear God, just saw Pink said on twitter that you are really a cool person, so please, let me have my appropriate age to fix the broken and chase the far? I'm serious, God, please*

Four, I feel good because I realize that I haven't done much in life. I made a center in my life, dedicated and reach the addicted level, but I have never questioned that Center. Is that the right center that I should cater to, in a longterm aspiration? Or maybe I shut my heart, my mind, my heart, my pants whatever that caused me a temporary addiction (maybe excitement is a better word) which made me also shut the possibility of multi-center? ah, the concept alone is ridiculous, multi-center, poly-center, but what I mean is that : I should have done much more, so much more, and more intense. Damn, I know I can't turn back the time, nor doing magic, so this is a path to the brighter future, whatever future means.

Five, ahh.. F is for fuck never been for five, or four, or fendetta. tsk. tsk. Five friends of mine has faced another level in life (if there's any), and whether we all have different classification about level, stages, whatever, this issue is mostly one of it. Numbers are different, content, um, a little more homogeneous. (whoaa, not in the feel good article, I guess)

Six, I feel good because I can reach this moment through a stranger's words that I don't even have to say thanks in person. *but thanks anyway*

Seven, fight. *slap back, run, kick butt, strangle,* Be strong.

crying, yes. Let go. Murmuring, whining, bitching around, negatively attracting unimportant attention, NO.

P.S : I am deeply sorry for those who I've been hurt. Move aside or turn your body around so you may have another perspective.

Utopia : L O V E

If I say love is an abstract word nearly absurd, will you agree with me? Here I spill the never-ending question goes with the never-ending answers : What is Love?
Don't tell me about speaking cliché before you read this following post.

I have had this anguish for a long time, but I'm pretty happy with this state of life and whatever surrounding me, so I locked this matter deep down. The effing trigger was this one movie, cute except the fact that I hate the ending : "500 Days of Summer" For you who has watched the movie, save your opinion, for those who hasn't maybe you want to check the movie here. But for those who hasn't and too busy to check the site, I'm gonna share the flow of the story below.

image via photobucket

There was a girl name Summer (Zooey Deschanel), freely live her life, one of the no-need-a-relationship girl. For her, as long as she and her close friend were happy, they didn't need any boyfriend-girlfriend label. Too bad she met Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who desperately believe in love and all the label behind it. He believed in soul mate, that people were created  in pairs, and everything happened for a reason, anything's meant to be.

They had a very happy moments together, with Tom agreeing the no-label and being casual thing. There were no single problem arose until Summer started to act weird, and tried to leave Tom. She thought that this was a casual relationship so there will be no such thing called break-up, she can leave anytime she's no longer happy.

Sadly, but obviously, this decision tear Tom apart. He didn't completely realize what a-casual-relationship meant, and fell deeply for Summer. He needs hundreds of days to get back on the ground.

After Summer left, the story continue with Summer and Tom met in colleague's wedding party, then she invited Tom to a party she hosted. Tom came with a bright smile and hope, but later on he found out that summer has engaged. His wold fell through the worst scene he can never imagine. He threw away all his old beliefs about love and its magical things.

Like I said before, what I hate about this movie is the ending, pretty much 10minutes of it. It's not that I don't like Summer and Tom separated, it just Summer's plain abstract explanation about being in love.

This ending was on Tom's favorite spot in the city. Tom asked her about her 180° change, about her doesn't-wanna-be-anybody's-girlfriend attitude now turning into someone's wife. She said she fell in love, Tom was right about soul mate, and everything really is meant to be. She just woke up in the morning suddenly feel so sure about the now-husband-guy. She also said that Tom was right about love, but only he's wrong about her.

I say : Yeah, right. So right, miss Just-wake-up-and-be-sure!

I wish, I really wish there's a story about Summer and her soon-to-be-husband guy. Like what kind of stuff really they did that makes Summer change her not-a-married-woman point of view. Yea, the filmmaker not even brave enough to show Summer's husband's face. I mean, why not?

That was a rather stupid open ending and throw me harshly to my old anguish. What exactly change Summer? Tom is perfect. As a human being, as a boyfriend he's nearly perfect. And as a casual couple they're GREAT. The story so much from Tom's point of view, and don't tell Summer's. So this is me as the audience, can't understand what's that thing that makes Summer felt unsure about this perfect Tom?

I won't write this much if Summer were Kim Catrell, dear Samantha in Sex and the City, unmarried until her 50. Her words for a broke up scene with the 2 years boyfriend was "I love you, but I love me more".
So, what changed Summer and not making her become another Samantha?

Day One - 1

This is the day one. Day one of a state that I want, or I thought I wanted. I'm fine so far because this is the day one. The 30 days of searching, contemplating, working super hard,  loving myself, and being alone. Alone but not lonely. Or maybe lonely but happy; feel strong and productive, two words that rather hard to follow these time.

I'm trying to find what I look for, and I hope you find yours too.

lighter things

I find myself away from this blog. Not the way i planned, actually. But i think i'm a bit too much with the blog idea that must contain deeper contemplation of mine. yea..ends up with not posting any single page. too bad.

so, here is the thing, i have a new co-joint blog with my bestie, but i'm still gonna make this thing work. anything, lighter things in life. i'm screwed already with those theories and movement, and research methodes. so, see you soon with more post, lighter ones!

and by the way, you can check out our post together here. happy reading!

One

Along with these words..i want to share things that i'm not capable of saying to the right person, for so many reasons.

L'homme est seul

Human is alone. destined to be alone. Once I ever read an existentialist mention it, but I simply forgot who or where. I believe to understand things, we should manage somehow to see it real. In real life, real world, does not matter if it is our own experiences, or anyone else's.

And fortunately (or unfortunately), today, I bitterly experienced the –human is alone- expression. It is not alone in terms of nobody around, like home alone “alone”. For me, today, it means that I can not have any expectation on someone else, or that expectation will kill me. I don’t know if it’s just me, or really nobody can perfectly understand my situation. Just me and myself. Well, by the way I’m not talking about being selfish, or that I don’t need help, or I don’t enjoy friendship. It is just about my exact feeling that me only can read, or touch, or sense whatever.

From now on, when I feel fcuked up, then I think that I need a particular person to cure me, to get into my feeling – then somehow I don’t get what I expect; I’m gonna blame myself for having such an expectation.

Human is alone. L’homme est seul. Thank you dear Philosopher –whoever-your-name-was, I don’t care on your messy life or whether do you practice what you preach or not, you gave me an exact expression.

avant-propos

So, i decided to start blogging. Yes, in the middle of crushing mind and unfortunately unfinished graduation paper, or thesis, or skripshit whatever. Let see how this thing could safe my days. *finger-crossed*