The Quest of Marriage

Along with the fact that I've had this quest for so long, here I am spitting it in a bunch of words.

 image via weheartit

I always have this basic question about marriage. Should we get married? Why? Defensive and old fashioned people answer my question with: “why not?” or in order to deflect, they attack me with another question like “why are you asking this?” or even worse “why so bitter? Are you mad at your ex? What he did?”

Come on, people. If you’re so sure of yourself, why don’t you just answer my question?

Okay, I mean, give me any other answer than just “because that’s the way it is” or “because we have to”.

So, I've made a short list of common answer from people who actually answer the question.

1. You don’t want to die alone

Ok. The most answer I get is about the fear of loneliness. People say that living alone is so scary from so many levels: how to deal with yourself, how to deal with society, even how to deal with death if you’re alone. 

First of all, why do you even think that with marriage you’re NOT dying alone? Everybody dies alone. Again, alone. Nobody can give you a company when you’re facing the end of your life. Maybe sitting next to your bed-of-agony, yes, but in your real journey to whatever it is in the other side, man, you’re fucking alone.

2. You don’t want to lose the love of your life

Ok. Ok, people. Love? I always lost it when it comes to this word, love. Let’s just put it to a more tangible noun like, um, commitment for instance. People argue that when they have found this special one, they really have to tie them on a certain institutional act (read: marriage) to seal their shared and blessed feeling into something real. This, they say, also a legal proof of their serious attempt of embracing commitment. 

Now answer me, can two people be happy together forever? (Ok, here forever is a tricky time frame, because we will never know how long forever is, so let’s just switch forever to the common pretty time frame “till death do them part”) (And by the way people, you already know “death do you part”, right? So what’s with not-dying-alone argument above? Ugh. This is contradictory, you know) *yawn*

Do you really be able to be faithful, be one-man-person, and don’t have to try so hard or forced to be united by a piece of paper called marriage documents? I've known so many broken families, I also witness husband/wife’s unfaithfulness, and then I know this one catholic couple that still together only because the church regulations say they can’t be divorced.

I believe in logic, I believe in passion, I believe in admiration. But when it has to be one and only, absolute healthy relationship, how many people in this earth that can actually get the concept done? Dead end couples, busy struggling just to make it works.

I admit that I’m in the dark when it comes to relationship matter. Of course I want it exclusive, I hate cheating because in my opinion it is another form of cowardice and selfishness. But still.....this couple concept can be so ugly.

3. You want to have children

This lonesome-argument also applied to the children matter. People say they want to get married so that they can have children, then they don’t have to be lonely. Let me tell you a story. There is this family of five. The mom and the dad got married because they wanted children, and they didn't give so much attention at their relationship as a couple. So there it was, three children popped to the earth. 

image via weheartit

In their early years of marriage, their house was so crowded, sometimes even frustratingly crowded. This couple was busy and happy with this tiny little creature running around their house. When school days came, again this couple was busy and excited. But what happened when the college days has finally came or even over? These three children left their parent’s house; start to try to make their own living. What’s happening? The house of five is now empty. So? Lonely much, there?

Then sometimes worse situation come to the scene: they try to control (read: love) their children; because they devoted their whole life to this children, and because they don’t know how to live on their own as a couple.

And beside, people, people... the world is already full of you people.

Another argument I find regarding this descendant matter: it’s the repercussion of existence. This friend of mine said that he wants to have children because he needs to have a legacy, someone to pass his insight to. He thinks that it is too bad for one being, not be able to continue “living” once one is dead. 

I don’t really get the concept then I asked, “Why?” I mean, why trying so hard to continue living? For me it doesn't matter once you don’t witness any of it. Then he said, that is the needs of human, to be existed through things. And here I am at the end of the topic, I still cannot understand.

But anyway, I still find the personal existence is more reasonable than the desire to preserve family name, though.

Whatever it is, I don’t see the need to have children. The final breath will be my closure of all worry and misery; I don’t want to feel the need of attachment to the world. Cremate my body and spread the ashes to the sea, or donate my body for the contribution of science development, then at least there’s some use of it. I don’t care whether my genes stay living and running around or my name declared as the name of the road. I don’t care; let me peacefully vanished.

*beside, back to never ending question: do these children asked to be born anyway?*

4. Maturity: get on with your life, hence you get married.

Stages, step, forward. We need to maintain improvement because why else we stay alive. But some people interpret moving forward as marriage, or the other way around. 

I have this friend, so excited about getting married because it is them stepping forward in life. My friend has no job, hasn't finished study, so does his girlfriend. They don’t care about career or education or any other self-improvement. For them, working is not a case of self-proclamation to the evolving world and to the life itself, but only as a tool to gain money. No matter what kind of job they will have, it is okay, as long as the job can provide facilities.

For me, that is the attitude of escaping maturity pressure, fleeing the moving-forward tendency. It is always easier to follow what society say about step of life, than really measuring yourself in the seeking of the meaning of life.

5. Pressure from parents and society “the cat lady”

Have you heard of “the cat lady” expression? Sure. The unmarried lady that is so lonely, she has to live with her cats to has company. Now, have you heard about “the cat man”? Nope. 

Again, my apologies to bore you with gender perspective. But it is true that our society still put different burden toward men and women in case of marriage. My dad once said, “Don’t be so harsh on people; the disadvantage will be at your end because you’re female.” Ah, damn it dad.

So there’s of course some women who put this pressure as their reason to get married. OK,  if it’s for the sake of your parents’ happiness, or their security, or their standard of a good life, I can understand. But I have one question for you: isn't it sad?

Please make sure at least this is not your ONLY reason.

6. Regular amount of sex

This is a pathetic reason to get married. Beside, you guys should argue on the “regular” term. It is of course depends on each couple, but many studies has agreed that the fire won’t stay forever. So many couples are struggling with their sexual issues and being married are apparently not the solution.

So people, do you consider sex as decoration in your relationship, or is it the ultimate core? Do you honestly want to put a once in a lifetime decision in something that is so dependent on hormones? People, people. *face palm*

7. Regarding marriage as a financial adjustment

This answer usually comes from people who want to rationalize their statement. These people often ready to open a discussion, so much fun than those “deflecting insecure people”.

Well, I dig up some tiny research on how marriage or our sexual culture in general, affects our life financially. (Here sexual culture for example: single-parent, cohabiting parents, divorced, step family, never married, etc). Then apparently, according one of research institute in US, there exist a “Marriage Premium”.

The “marriage premium” is the name economists give to the increase in husbands’ productivity and earnings caused by their entering marriage. One study claims that married men make, on average, almost 30 percent more than their non- married counterparts in hourly wages. In accord with this, from a study which  controlled for all factors, including genetics, puts the marriage premium at 27 percent.

Marriage increases earnings for white men by approximately 24 percent and for black men by approximately 20 percent. Twice as many (32 percent) married fathers worked 45 hours or more per week in 1997, compared to cohabiting fathers (16 percent).

So it is true that marriage does drive people’s eagerness to make a better living. The existence of other people in the family, especially those relies on us, will push the need of adequate income. (But frankly I haven’t dig a deeper research, so I am using this point solely as a background. And this makes sense though.)

But on the other hand, again in a gender perspective, I also want to quote a part of this research involving a wife’s contribution in the family. In the contrary of how marriage affecting men’s consciousness of their income, women’s contribution to financially sustain their family put a higher risk of divorce.

A Canadian study found that divorce rates increase as married women’s income approaches that of their husbands, and accelerate further when women’s income surpasses that of their husbands. For each additional $1,000 increase in wives’ income, the chances of divorce increase 3 percent.

(more of this research here)

So people, whatever the chances are, marriage does affecting your financial adjustment. BUT, do you really want to raise this argument in your interest in marriage? Doesn't it make your marriage sounds like a business plan? Well, I’m just saying.

8. You want to have someone to come home to

image via weheartit

Among all those reasons, both the logical and the romantic, this is maybe the most acceptable background for me. We can’t carry on alone, for the rest or our life; or at least, I can’t imagine that I’m capable of it. (This may also the same reason for the concept of God, or whatever higher authority in the universe). No matter how strong we are or we think we are, there always a point, the lowest point, that we need something to hold on to. Pop song version of this concept is “a shoulder to cry on”.

There is this guy in his late 30s, finally remarried, after his first failed marriage. I was shocked by this second marriage, because this guy once stated that he’ll never remarry, because he found out the marital concept wasn't for him, et cetera. When I asked why, he answered: “because I find someone I want to grow old with?” Yes, that was his exact answer, with that exact question mark.

*sigh*

He was actually my kind of role model for marital concept. He’s there in that age, and beside, he was once experienced failed marriage. I mean, people always say that I’m way too young to have such a strong statement about marriage. Some of my happen-to-be-much-older friends always say “ah, you’re way too young. You’ll obviously think differently when you’re 5 years older.” Or even more intense statement like, “don’t get dragged to relish your youth too much, you’ll run out of it. When it’s too late, it’s too late.”

Then I come to my conclusion that it is maybe inescapable. It's too hard for us to walk the stony path of life without a hand to hold. And I agree that holding a stable hand is more soothing.

Well, maybe I am just too afraid that my expectations may exceed reality.

NB: This is a note from a twenty-something girl who still needs more time to settling down thoughts. I am in a journey of quests, fully open to any theory. As this expression may represent the whole thing I’m doing: I am now cultivating consciousness.

Capturing Sharon Olds' Poem

I Go Back to May 1937


I see them standing at the formal gates of their colleges
I see my father strolling out under an ochre sandstone arch,
the red tiles glinting like bent plates of blood behind his head,
I see my mother with a few light books at her hip,
standing at the pillar made of tiny bricks with the wrought-iron gate still open behind her,
its sword-tips black in the May air,
They are about to graduate, they are about to get married,
they are kids, they are dumb, 
all they know is they are innocent, they would never hurt anybody.


I want to go up to them and say : Stop, don't do it--
she's the wrong woman, he's the wrong man,
you are going to do things you cannot imagine you would ever do,
you are going to do bad things to children,
you are going to suffer in ways you never heard of,
you are going to want to die.


I want to go up to them there in the late May sunlight and say it,
her hungry pretty blank face turning to me,
her pitiful beautiful untouched body,
his arrogant handsome blind face turning to me,
his pitiful beautiful untouched body,
but I don't do it.


I want to live.
I take them up like the male and female paper dolls and bang them together at the hips,
like chips of flint, as if to strike sparks from them, I say. . . . 


I say. . .  do what you are going to do,
and I will tell about it.

                                                                                    Sharon Olds,

unknown date

Shitty coffee is drinkable when you're around

I will never say ‘I love you’, because I don’t know what love is;

Because the word is overestimated, overrated, overly discussed;

Because people feel the fake relief when they say it;

Because people expect too much, more than they should when they hear it;

Because there exist sometimes a wrong turn, people highlighted the word rather than the meaning;

Because it has too much sweetener;

Because careless people make it sounds cheap;

Because I hate to talk about things that I don’t know well;

Because I have learnt my lesson that sometimes a word can lie, especially the pretty ones;

Because I can not carry the burden of it;

Because I can not promise you anything out of it;

Because I am corny and stupid but still try to somehow figure things out.

I said ‘I like you’, because I know exactly what it means;

Because you make my heart skips a beat when I see you;

Because you make my palms sweat when you look at me;

Because you make me hardly breathing when you told me to stay still for you to draw my  face;

Because you make my cheeks turn red when you say my name;

Because you’re the first thing in my mind when I wake up;

Because you’re the last thing I think about before my sleep;

Because you make even a shitty coffee drinkable when you're around;

Because I was excited when your account pop up in my twitter timeline;

Because I could wake up all night have a chat with you;

Because I always want to touch your hand when it’s within my reach;

Because I always want to kiss you when you tightly hold my hand;

Because when we kissed I feel like I couldn’t stop;

Because I enjoy so much when you listen to me talking, whether important or gibberish;

Because I got nervous when my cell phone beeps and I read your name on it;

Because I want to close my eyes and feel the air when you sing;

Because deep inside I always want to sing along when you play your guitar;

Because I feel a funny thrill in my body when you said you like me;

Because I don’t care what people say about us;

Because I write these lines and shamelessly update it on my blog for you to see;

Because I don’t believe in relationship but still want to feel warmth in my heart.

Now I say ‘I miss you’, because I do like you and I do miss you;

Because last time we had coffee together I was afraid to hold your hand;

Because last time I saw you I was afraid to look at you;

Because a sight of you makes me want to look down at my shoes, then hide myself;

Because hear your voice from a distance make me want to run and hold you;

Because I was afraid to look at you and again realize how far we are;

Because I was afraid that you look at my face and see how I feel;

Because you are still first thing in the morning and the last at night;

Because I’m online, look at your facebook page and feel sad;

Because I can still remember things you said that you don’t say anymore;

Because I’m staring at my cell phone and hope your name will show up again;

Because I want to text you, send you messages, tweet you, but I am so afraid of your reaction : what will you text back and how do you feel about my actions;

Because I want to say it out loud but I can not take rejection;

Because I have to delete all of our messages, it hurts too much;

Because I deleted your messages and now trying not to regret it;

Because I listen to Adele and feel my throat choked;

Because when I hear a song that reminded me of you (or us) I feel a slight of pain;

Because I’m wondering, now who you sing for, who you think about, who you text;

Because I’m dying to know what you think of when it’s not me;

Because when I see your name in my timeline, I want to do something about it but then end up doing nothing;

Because I haven’t seen the sparkle in your eyes for a long time;

Because I don’t mind people look down on me when they know I’m broken hearted;

Because for me it’s still you, but I don’t know what I am to you;
Because I am comfortable with loneliness but I can't stand unanswered questions;

Because I am wondering what actually happened.

They said : You’ll never know until you try. Yes, I’ve tried. Now I know and I have to face the consequences of taking the experience.

And now I know I’m screwed because every single word I wrote is true.

Love is rubbish, but I miss you.

Thrown. Why?

Why do we thrown to this world, just like that, without being asked before? What’s all this? And talking about free will, why are we in sin if we commit suicide? So, free will is about anything BUT ending this miserable journey of life?

I don’t have the courage and enough faith to be an atheist, but I do understand why people choose that kind of way. I feel awful when I think about these things, because I’m raised as a full time catholic. I feel awful when I’m questioning about eternal life, and a sweet promise of ultimate happiness. When does my soul have time to get rest? Like, to just disappear? I’m tired of living.

I am normal. I am an ordinary girl living my ordinary life. I’m physically and mentally healthy. This is so bad what I have in mind right now if I think about another human being who’s happen to be ‘not normal’ in any way. Yes, I have a label for myself right now: I’m being ungrateful.

I have so many things to be grateful for. I have a great family, normal life, study at one of the best university in the country, I have experienced what people called love, friendship, everything; everything that a girl may ask for. I really want to appreciate what I’ve got, but can I ask this one thing, one thing at all? Can you please give all this blessing for any other soul but me? Can I ask not to be born? I’m not strong enough for this world.

Since I was little, I always think the dark side of every problem. I always so deep into my mind that now I almost lost it. I was stressed when it comes to every important exam, I’m so easy to get upset about anything, hard to please, etc, etc, etc. Now, I’m on the edge. (When do I think that I’m NOT in the edge of the world? Geez.) Anyway, I’m doing my thesis recently. And by recently I mean this last two years. See? I’m an undergraduate student in literature who’s doing thesis for two years. Apparently, this number is not just a number.

My parents and I are frustrated. This graduation thing drives us Crazy with a big C. And if simply a usual matter like bachelor degree can give me this anxiety attack, how on earth can I knock the world’s burden on me? How can I survive this life? Should I live long?

I have tried this far, I don't wanna fail halfway.

This is a hard and painful month.

First, because I was tried to make it smooth and painless but someone won't go along that way.

Second, I am simply in pain. For the words addressed to me, for the anger and hate toward me, for those attitude, for a best-friend that I lost.

I was tried, and still trying until this second. What am I trying (or have tried)? I tried not to explode. I tried not to shout those harsh words, although I'm not a sweet-modest-kind-of-lady. It's super easy for me to throw the foul words, but I choose not to, for some reason that I think may be better. I tried to manage my anger, my pain, find a distraction to boost my mood. I tried to cheer-up myself when the attack is coming, I tried to get super busy to overcome the heartache.

But the verbal abuse is still coming, torturing me unnecessarily, breaking me inside and out. 

I have lost both my lover and best-friend, I tried so hard not to hate him. So hard. I move around to search another perspective, I tried to understand. I shut my fuckin mouth so I don't pour a gasoline on a huge fire.

Stop calling me coward and liar : everyone has a secret, don't act like you don't know it. 

Don't you have any? And with not revealing that secret to a particular person, esp when the secret is about your private life, is it making you a coward? and a liar? We all have reason. Reasons. I know that you know me well, so you know exactly the word that gonna burn me. Liar it is. Congrats. (and until today? come on..)

*inhale..exhale..

P.S : 1. I tried to explain : failed 

2. I tried not to hate you, please, please I beg you, don't make that effort failed too.

3. I know I made mistakes, but I definitely don't deserve a punishment like this. You know it.

*this city is so cold tonight. just a perfect fucking ambiance.

Friends, Lovers, or Nothing

Now that we are over as a loving kind
We'll be dreaming ways to keep the good alive


Only when we want is not a compromise
I'll be pouring tears into your drying eyes


Friends, lovers, or nothing
there can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between
so give it up


You whisper "come on over" cause you two drinks in
But in the morning I will say goodbye again


Think we'll never fall into the jealous game
The streets will flood with blood of those who felt the same


Friends, lovers, or nothing
we can really only ever be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
we'll never be the in between so give it up


No, we'll never be the in between
so give it up


Anything other than "yes" is "no"
Anything other than "stay" is ""go"
Anything less than "I love you" is lying

Friends, Lovers, or nothing - John Mayer

invisible stranger's slap - I mean the slap that is invisible, not the stranger.

Have you ever been slapped? me? nope. I hope never will.

But thanks God, I have experienced that words can definitely slap people super harder than a hand can do. *yeah, I said I haven't been slapped to even capable to compare them, but let us talk about it later maybe never*

All I wanna say is that just now I'm slapped! And yet feel good about it!

Yahh..I know, stop it. The word good has its ineffective side (I wanna say bad side, but that only make this a linguistic post), good is too relative. Good for you doesn't mean good for me, and it depends on so many things that philosopher and psychoanalyst have been discussed for centuries.

I feel good, first because i can breathe this air when I breathe those words in. In short, I feel good because I have a chance. This chance, tonight. This is a legit proof that I can embrace hope.

Second, God is freaking thoughtful. Yes, I believe in God, even still believe in certain religion to worship Him/It/simply God. (It doesn't mean I can't be friend with you, right my atheist and agnostics friend?). I realize how long have I been left those ritual of peaceful mind, the old ancient devotion. I devoted myself lately to any other things related to mind, body, and soul, but not that old ancient one. *I have to get back to it soon. Maybe I don't have to, but I need to.

Third, I feel good because I am freaking YOUNG! Yes, I might have wasted sometime in my past 21 years, but I AM young and I have those days ahead! *Dear God, just saw Pink said on twitter that you are really a cool person, so please, let me have my appropriate age to fix the broken and chase the far? I'm serious, God, please*

Four, I feel good because I realize that I haven't done much in life. I made a center in my life, dedicated and reach the addicted level, but I have never questioned that Center. Is that the right center that I should cater to, in a longterm aspiration? Or maybe I shut my heart, my mind, my heart, my pants whatever that caused me a temporary addiction (maybe excitement is a better word) which made me also shut the possibility of multi-center? ah, the concept alone is ridiculous, multi-center, poly-center, but what I mean is that : I should have done much more, so much more, and more intense. Damn, I know I can't turn back the time, nor doing magic, so this is a path to the brighter future, whatever future means.

Five, ahh.. F is for fuck never been for five, or four, or fendetta. tsk. tsk. Five friends of mine has faced another level in life (if there's any), and whether we all have different classification about level, stages, whatever, this issue is mostly one of it. Numbers are different, content, um, a little more homogeneous. (whoaa, not in the feel good article, I guess)

Six, I feel good because I can reach this moment through a stranger's words that I don't even have to say thanks in person. *but thanks anyway*

Seven, fight. *slap back, run, kick butt, strangle,* Be strong.

crying, yes. Let go. Murmuring, whining, bitching around, negatively attracting unimportant attention, NO.

P.S : I am deeply sorry for those who I've been hurt. Move aside or turn your body around so you may have another perspective.